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Making Memories With Our Kids

Yesterday, while on my morning walk, I found myself smiling and feeling so full of joy as I looked out at the sun rising in one corner and my family walking and chatting down the path embroidered by beautiful trees. This brought me back to one of my favorite childhood memories, the Diwali season. Days off from school turning little candies into banner decorations, singing and cleaning with my sisters, climbing up on the ladder my dad held secure to hang up the lights, and choosing fun fabrics from the wardrobe to turn into a new outfit with my mom.

To sum up my not so short story, no matter the lack of money or a big house, separate bedrooms or lavish vacation, grand birthday parties or a room filled with toys… I had a wonderful childhood because I got immense love from my parents and undivided moments of attention from them that served as opportunities to truly connect, bond, and turn into memorable moments. To reiterate, as a child, my happiness came from the quality time I got to spend with my parents and siblings.

Showing your children that you love and care for them help keep them mentally and emotionally strong. Also, as your child experiences your full attention, they draw from you whatever they need to learn, to strengthen, to grow, to heal and to develop their full potential. According to Jones (2017), children are less likely to have behavioral issues at home or at school. Children who are spending more quality time with their families are less likely to participate in risky behaviors such as drug and alcohol usage. Why, because everyone needs something to look forward to, something fun, adventurous, and thrilling, and at that stage, kids crave these experiences from their parents. As adults, we wake up every day with a purpose and reason to move forward, which pushes us throughout our day. Well, kids need that too. On the other hand, kids long for stability. They like being in an environment where they know what to expect and feel that out of most things, their relationships, in particular, with their parents, is secure. So, when your kid asks you to play with them and you say, “I will later”, and then you don’t, they register that as betrayal, as though their trust has been broken.

Furthermore, you may not think much of it, but children have a lot of deep feelings, like fear, anger, jealousy, excitement, and hurt, floating around in their minds. But they need our help in naming those emotions, feeling them, and in most cases healing from them. A child, however, will only spill out these feelings and feel allow themselves to feel vulnerable when they feel truly valued, emotionally connected to, respected, and really heard.

Many times, I have encountered people and clients that are concerned about how their kids are always in their room and playing video games. Now there can be many reasons for this, but I just want to point out that if there is not anything else for the kids to do, no one else to engage with apart from the people online on their phones. Then what do we as parents really expect them to do? I have also seen parents wonder why their children always seem to be frustrated when they assign them child work to do. Well, that is because the child is yearning for the love and attention they feel and receive when they are one on one with their parent.

So, whether that means making Halloween costumes, finger painting, or making finger puppets with your kids. Take some time to spend quality time with your kids and make lifelong memories. Making these meaningful connections will have lasting impacts on them as they grow into kind and loving adults in the future.

Appreciation is a Gift to Give

Sharing your appreciation is so much bigger than just “being nice”. When someone feels cared for and appreciated, they feel like their efforts were worth it, they feel like they are valued for who they are, and they feel like their life is worth living. And that is the power of appreciation.

When we look for and find the things we appreciate about others and let them know, that is the biggest gift, for them and for us.

Here is a breakdown of the benefits of showing appreciation:

Feeling genuinely appreciated lifts people up. It makes us feel safe and energized, freeing us to continue giving our best. Think about it, when your value feels unacknowledged or at risk, does that worry become preoccupying? Unfortunately, it does, not receiving appreciation can drain and divert our energy from the things we love doing and sharing. It’s not the expectations, but more the human need to feel valued, loved, and respected.
Similarly, in the workplace, when employees are appreciated it creates a positive work environment and strengthens the relationships between the employees and leaders. In fact, many studies reveal that appreciation is one of the most powerful methods to motivate employees and make them more committed to their jobs, in turn increasing their productivity. A recent poll by a division of TimeJobs.com showed that more than 35% of employees consider lack of recognition of their work as the biggest hindrance to their productivity.
When you acknowledge someone’s value and express that recognition, you are able to forge deeper, fulfilling, and more trusting connections. In fact, Paul J. Zak, a professor at Claremont Graduate University, said that “The neuroscience shows that recognition has the largest effect on trust when it occurs immediately after a goal has been met when it comes from peers, and when it’s tangible, unexpected, personal, and public”. This makes sense, when you personally take the time to praise someone for their efforts, thank someone for their time, express how much they mean to you, and just simply be there for them when they are having a hard time, it shows that you genuinely care.
Actively finding ways to appreciate people may take some hard work and reflection at first but slowly it will change your mindset making you a kinder and more positive person. It becomes quite natural for us to give more attention to the bad qualities, mistakes, mishaps, and failures of others. Always picking people apart blinds us from seeing the strength it took to speak up about the abuse, the hard work it took to improve after their failure, the initiative and creativity it took to innovate and publicize an idea, the kindness it took for them to cook a meal for you and many other brilliant ideas, extra efforts, and meaningful gestures the people around us make.
Showing appreciation means you praise the uniqueness. With this, you become open to new ideas, qualities, and ways of doing things, in turn making you a more creative and innovative person.
You are happier. When you look for the good stuff and are grateful for the beauty around you, you become satisfied with the things that are already in your life, your family, job, money, friends, and home.

Ways to appreciate:

Change your mindset to look for the good in people, and actively find ways to search for unique traits, brilliant ideas, and great work. When you look for it, you will find it!
Parallel to the suggestion above, it’s important for you to learn and absorb positive words. Think about it, if your dictionary consists of a higher volume of kind, respectful and motivating words, you are automatically more inclined to employ them.
Listen to them. As we know time is money, give people your time and let them know that you enjoy their company.
Avoid comparing people to others, respect that the person is their own individual self, and praise or criticize them based on their dreams, not those of others. The biggest of appreciation is motivating people to embrace their true selves and letting them know that who they really are is what you admire about them.
Remember gifts don’t really mean all that much if they are just for the formality, rather let your heart spill out into a small and sweet handwritten note. If your friend or family member is going to have a hard interview, perhaps leave a little note by their water bottle or paperwork that says, “you are capable, you got this!”. Or if someone had a hard day at work, you could leave a little note next to their bed that says, “I am here for you”. And sometimes, no reason is even needed, just humanize the person, and let them know how much they mean to you.

Be ready to learn from them because when you genuinely appreciate someone that means you recognize their good qualities.
Start receiving compliments more graciously. When someone compliments you just reply with a “thank you”, there is no need to get fuzzy about it, force yourself to give one back, or argue with the other person that you do not deserve it. Think about it, someone saw something beautiful in and that is why they expressed their appreciation towards you, so don’t cut yourself down. Until you do not love yourself and celebrate your own qualities, it’s going to be very difficult to genuinely even acknowledge those of others.
Lastly, live in the moment and cherish the little things.

Thank you so much for reading this blog!

If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to contact us!

Be kind!

Forgive and Forget – A Path to Healing the Hurt

The Healing Power of Forgiveness

Forgiving is not the same as pardoning the offense or condemning their actions! This misconception is why many people find forgiveness to seem wrong and impossible.

Though forgiveness is rather an internal motivation to make peace with yourself and move on. It’s not something you must do for others – it is something you must do for yourselves. When you forgive, you essentially let go of the resentment, grievance, shame, guilt, or pain from the past that you have been holding onto, through a positive and analytical process in order to get a sense of peace and happiness in return. As defined by the Oxford dictionary, to forgive is to: stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for (an offense, flaw, or mistake).

When you forgive someone, it’s a sign of your strength, as you faced the pain head-on, forgave, and released it.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” – Gandhi

You may not even realize how bad you feel until you decide to forgive.

Think About It: You are not the one that committed the crime, so why are you punishing yourself to stay trapped in that jail of bitterness.

Therefore, forgiveness even brings many health benefits. In fact, studies have shown that “being a forgiving person not only leads to healthier relationships, but also to lowered blood pressure, better heart health, and even a stronger immune system”

Now that hopefully, you are feeling more receptive to the idea of forgiveness, the question you may ask yourself is: how?

Be Willing: If you have been having trouble letting go of something, try focusing on all the positive benefits you will receive once you decide to forgive.
Take Responsibility: Sometimes our ego helps us hide the part we played in a bad situation. Analyze the situation and take responsibility for your part, once you remove the blame, the feelings of resentment will go away.
Forgive Yourself: You may not even realize it, but we tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on others. When we make bad decisions that lead to bad actions, we feel imperfect and unlovable and slip into forms of “Self-punishment”, such as overeating, start smoking or consuming alcohol, and self-deprivation. Acknowledge your mistakes but separate them from your qualities, so that you are able to honor yourself as a person. There is no need to be paralyzed by your past.
Address Your Inner Pain: Situations are not always black and white, before you let go of the situation, look within yourself to figure out the real reason for the hurt. Is it something they said directly, or some inner lying meaning that you yourself implied? Is it just someone’s imperfections like your spouse or child that you are feeling hurt by or someone’s intentional harassing comments? Understanding the hurt and its reason will help you understand how to heal.
Be Empathetic: Of course, it’s unfair to say that the person hurting you is just but try to examine some of the details in the life of the person who harmed you, sometimes they carry their own baggage of wounds. For example, if someone at work is continuously bullying you, but maybe the reason is that as a young child they never received love and support from their parents. You will begin to empathize with their sufferings and realize that they did not deserve to suffer either, despite what they may have done to hurt you.
Live in The Present: Many times, when we find it difficult to forgive and forget it’s because we assign a good portion of our energy and attention to lamenting the past. When you start living in the present, you will begin appreciating the world around you and feel lighter. You will automatically begin to let go of the heavy.

Once you have let go of the feelings of resentment and begin to live in the present, you will notice that you stop reliving those hurtful situations and begin to forget the situation.

Do not forget to Bring the Meaning: Leaving behind the hurtful situation will help dissolve the feelings of resentment, but those wounds also shaped you as a person. Perhaps you learned resiliency, bravery, strength, or coping skills. Whatever it may be, try to make the best of the situation.

Thank you for reading this blog!

If you have any questions or concerns feel free to contact The Thoughts!

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Yelling and Beating Children, Psychologically Damages Them

Is it Okay to Scare Your Kids?

On Halloween with a paper ghost? SURE!

Through beating, yelling and name-calling? NO!

It is quite obvious that no the parent actually wants to hit or yell at their child, but when they are swarmed into a cloud of frustration, parents just feel the immense need to resort to such harsh techniques in order to discipline their child and receive respect.

As much as you may believe that yelling is necessary and is the only way to make your child behave and get some respect, the psychological effects make it ineffective and actually detrimental. In fact, new research even found that yelling at kids can be just as harmful as hitting them. You probably have many excuses racing through your mind right now, so follow this link and clear them up.

The adverse effects of using cruel and harsh methods of discipline:

It is a sad cycle

In most cases, parents feel forced to use yelling and beating out of desperation, especially when their other methods of reasoning seem to fail. This soon becomes a habit as it seems the “fastest” and most “successful” technique to discipline their child, making this their reflex every time their child misbehaves. I will go more in-depth later, but the unfortunate part that parents don’t realise is that children who are yelled at, end up displaying more troubling behaviour. Once again making the parents yell and shout even more…and the cycle just continues.

Kids are copycats!

You must remember that as a parent, you are the primary role model for your child. They learn to walk, talk, eat and even play from you. So, you really should not underestimate the power you have over what your child learns, to be “acceptable behaviour”. You have probably already alluded to what the point is by now. When the parent chooses to discipline their child by hitting or yelling, they inherently model that those acts are allowed and acceptable. When you beat your child for small mistakes your child may feel that it is “okay” to hit people. This will also lead them to lack empathy and compassion.

What are you really training them?

Normally when parents scold, yell or hit their children it is done with the intention to foster good values, manners, and discipline into their child, but unfortunately, you are sowing the seeds of anger.

When you hit or yell at your child frequently, the child will be scared once or twice, but after one point, he may become a rebel. Hitting will not even seem like a horrible thing to the child anymore that the child may even defy your commands and just go about and do the opposite of what you wish. Also leading to stubborn, careless, and narcissistic behaviour.

It just does not work!

Yelling at your child or hitting them may seem like it works like magic but scaring them at the moment only makes them stop what they’re doing but it can only work so many times, till the point where the child doesn’t even bat an eye when you scream at them or lift your hand to hit them. When parents yell at children they create fear, which prevents kids from learning from the situation or recognizing what they have actually done wrong and that their parents are just trying to help them. “Kids are actually going to listen less when you yell at them,” says Joseph Shrand, Ph.D., instructor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. “As soon as you begin to raise your voice, you activate their limbic system, which is an ancient part of the brain that’s responsible for, among other things, the fight-or-flight response.” This means that in the result of your yelling, the child may either freeze up, fight back or run away.

The hurt sticks with them

Children who are yelled at or spanked by their parents, do not forget that they were beaten by their parents for no important reason. Children who are constantly yelled at or are hit for small mistakes are more likely to suffer mental health problems, such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and substance abuse problems.

It is scary!

For a young child, the parents hold a lot of power, they are the people that give them food, water, toys, love, and a place to live. They feel safe around you and trust you, but this all gets shaken up when that same person yells at them and shouts. It really messes up their sense of trust. Hence, difficulty making and maintaining strong relationships in the future. Its also important to acknowledge that to a young child, the parent is a being that is twice as large, literally a giant for them! So just imagine what they see from their perspective when you yell at them or hit them!

Conclusion:

Do understand from this that constantly yelling and hitting your child each time they make a mistake will do more harm than good. From the perspective of disciplining your child, it is just not productive. But I will indeed give importance to the fact that there are instances when yelling and interfering is necessary for literally the sake of your child or another person getting hurt. If you have kids hitting each other or your kid is running into a pole, then yes yell to warn. But remember that yelling is not communicating, so for everyday mistakes and discipline, speak to explain.

So how do you communicate?

Get down to your child’s level
Make proper eye contact
Be calm and patient
Address the problem
Acknowledge their prior efforts
Explain to them why their action was wrong
Explain to them the long-term consequences
Teach them how they can fix the problem and go about it next time
Ask them why they are having difficulty with this
Ask them what punishments they should have when they make the mistake again
Constantly remind them positively

For example: If your child brushes his teeth and makes a huge mess all over the bathroom counter rather than yelling at them, calling them names, or hitting them, there are alternatives. Firstly, calm yourself down, you must remember that they are a child with teeny tinny hands and are so naïve that they do not even realise what they did wrong. Keep that in mind, explain to your child what they have done and its consequences. To remind them to clean up and teach them the efforts that go into cleaning, make them do it themselves. Keep calling them back, till they learn to leave the bathroom spotless. Take away one of their luxuries OR come up with rewards for when they do behave properly.

Hope this was informative!

For any questions or comments feel free to contact us.

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A.R.T for Anxiety

Even as a therapist, I get anxious at times, why is that? Because it is natural! Now you may be wondering why? Why is it natural to be feeling anxious? Why am I getting bombarded by negative thoughts when I am anxious? Why don’t I get these negative thoughts at a state of relaxation? Well because these negative thoughts are caused by our brains “Fight or Flight” response. It is our brain’s way of reacting to stress and making us aware and alert of potential danger. Think of it as a caution sign. Many times, before a session, especially with a new client, I get anxious, wondering how I can help them best and give the most qualitative treatment.

When I have ten minutes left for a new session, I get anxious about how I will finish the case notes from the session before! Is this harming me? No, not at all, it’s a quiet alarm that lasts for ten seconds, and then because I have turned it into my motivation, it is encouraging me to solve the problem, make a plan and spur into action. It is natural, we all go through it.

But if that small alarm turns into a dark cloud that sucks you in, creating physical symptoms, dry mouth, palpitations, drowsiness, shivering, numbing, etc. this slow overwhelming of anxiety is crossing the line and going into the disorder part of anxiety.

So how can you avoid this cycle?

There are many tools and strategies, here is one of them that I really want to share with you.

ART (Ask, Replace and Turn)

Even the abbreviation sounds nice, doesn’t it? When we think about art, it leads us to creativity and imagination, color, beauty, positive outcomes, happiness, and an expression of feelings. And that is what this tool is all about. So now let me elaborate.

A: ASK

First, you need to ask yourself some questions.

Do I really need this thought? Will I be able to do this? Do I need to ruin my day? Do I need to focus on this now? Is this a need? Do I need to allow myself to get demotivated?

You need to hit your conscious and subconscious mind by exploring the thoughts and emotions that are causing you to worry. This can be done once again by asking questions:

Why am I worried? Do I need to worry?

Remember to ask yourself these questions out loud or write them down. Because when you say aloud from your mouth, your ears are listening, when you write it down you are reading it and you gain more clarity. It’s a whole reflection session, so even if you are asking questions that may be negative, you are taking it all out and so you aren’t going into the negative cycle, rather you are consciously putting efforts to think realistically and rationally.

R: Replace

When we hear the word replace, we have quite a simple concept of it: making something take the place of something else. We do it quite often, replacing the furniture in the living room because it has gotten too shabby, or replacing a word in our report because it doesn’t sound right, or replacing our work area so we can be more productive. And this step is based upon that same concept.

Now take the same questions asked from the step above and replace them with positive thoughts. You will be replacing thoughts of worry with organized thoughts by asking yourself:

Do I have time? When can I fit this extra task into my routine? How can I best reorganize my day? What are the benefits of doing this? Will this help me in the future? Do I need to ask someone for help?

This is more solution-based thinking in which one by one you can replace the negative imagery and worry with positive ideation. While it may seem that this tool is all up in air, it is not. For more scientific proof, you may also read the scientific research paper published by Elsevier about “The power of positive thinking: Pathological worry is reduced by thought replacement in Generalized Anxiety Disorder” (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4760272/)

T: TURN

Now like any other tool, this is not a magic potion, so by turn, it is not meant that you will be able to turn the situation around, because that is not possible. If you are anxious while standing in front of a large crowd, you will not suddenly disappear. Rather, in this step, you will be turning your perception and focus on your action.

How? By changing the direction of your thoughts from entering the cycle of worry and panic thoughts, you need to point yourself towards a state of calm. You may ask; how do I do that? Do not worry, here are a few tips. Firstly, take a deep breath, then another, and if you can one more. Attend to your breath, by closing your eyes and feeling the refreshment as the air enters your body and a release of your tensions as the air leaves. Many times, people really underestimate the power of taking a deep breath, as you may be right now. Deep breathing, as we are all aware of, increases the supply of oxygen to our brain. What now? Well, this stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system (one part of our nervous system that controls our rest and relax response), which in turn promotes a state of calmness. According to Dr. Tania Elliott of NYU Langone Health to “overcome the unhealthy day-to-day stress response,” you should practice this type of breathing daily, and not just when you are feeling stressed. I tell this to all my clients, so why only try fixing worry thoughts, when we can try to prevent the worry thoughts from going too far in the first place. You may also go to the washroom and drink some water.

Apart from actually using this coping strategy, the main takeaway should be to NEVER suppress your anxiety! Whether you use this tool, other coping strategies, or go seek professional help, the goal should not be to make it go away. Because that is unrealistic and technically dangerous. Rather the goal is to develop mechanisms to handle it, minimize anxiety, cope with it, and get on with life. So that anxiety only serves the purpose of keeping you alert, motivated, and obviously, safe, without it becoming the element that is blocking you from reaching your full potential.

I really hope this helped you in some way!

For any questions or concerns feel free to contact me!

121 ways to END BOREDOM

There are very few people in this world that enjoy being bored. It’s quite understandable because being bored is just not “fun”. But boredom actually has a dark side aside from our brain just fearing atrophy! Did you know that boredom can lead to a plethora of mental health issues such as anxiety & depression? Because when one is bored, we automatically enter the negative cycle:

Why isn’t anyone talking to me? I am alone. I cannot do anything. There is no purpose in my life. I have no friends. I am empty.

Keeping all the negatives in mind, boredom could possibly have its positive effects, the way fear saves us from danger and failure may propel success, are there any positive to being bored? One could say that boredom gives rise to the most useful traits we own, curiosity, and creativity. However, a question to ponder upon is: Are we bored while thinking imaginatively? Or is the boredom only the propeller?

So, now we must conclude that boredom should only drive us towards creativity, it should not be something we sit in because of its negative effects.