The Thoughts

AMARS - Addictions, Mental Health, Anger, Rehabilitation Services Inc.

Category: Parenting

Making Memories With Our Kids

Yesterday, while on my morning walk, I found myself smiling and feeling so full of joy as I looked out at the sun rising in one corner and my family walking and chatting down the path embroidered by beautiful trees. This brought me back to one of my favorite childhood memories, the Diwali season. Days off from school turning little candies into banner decorations, singing and cleaning with my sisters, climbing up on the ladder my dad held secure to hang up the lights, and choosing fun fabrics from the wardrobe to turn into a new outfit with my mom.

To sum up my not so short story, no matter the lack of money or a big house, separate bedrooms or lavish vacation, grand birthday parties or a room filled with toys… I had a wonderful childhood because I got immense love from my parents and undivided moments of attention from them that served as opportunities to truly connect, bond, and turn into memorable moments. To reiterate, as a child, my happiness came from the quality time I got to spend with my parents and siblings.

Showing your children that you love and care for them help keep them mentally and emotionally strong.  Also, as your child experiences your full attention, they draw from you whatever they need to learn, to strengthen, to grow, to heal and to develop their full potential. According to Jones (2017), children are less likely to have behavioral issues at home or at school. Children who are spending more quality time with their families are less likely to participate in risky behaviors such as drug and alcohol usage. Why, because everyone needs something to look forward to, something fun, adventurous, and thrilling, and at that stage, kids crave these experiences from their parents. As adults, we wake up every day with a purpose and reason to move forward, which pushes us throughout our day. Well, kids need that too. On the other hand, kids long for stability. They like being in an environment where they know what to expect and feel that out of most things, their relationships, in particular, with their parents, is secure. So, when your kid asks you to play with them and you say, “I will later”, and then you don’t, they register that as betrayal, as though their trust has been broken.

Furthermore, you may not think much of it, but children have a lot of deep feelings, like fear, anger, jealousy, excitement, and hurt, floating around in their minds. But they need our help in naming those emotions, feeling them, and in most cases healing from them. A child, however, will only spill out these feelings and feel allow themselves to feel vulnerable when they feel truly valued, emotionally connected to, respected, and really heard.

Many times, I have encountered people and clients that are concerned about how their kids are always in their room and playing video games. Now there can be many reasons for this, but I just want to point out that if there is not anything else for the kids to do, no one else to engage with apart from the people online on their phones. Then what do we as parents really expect them to do? I have also seen parents wonder why their children always seem to be frustrated when they assign them child work to do. Well, that is because the child is yearning for the love and attention they feel and receive when they are one on one with their parent.

So, whether that means making Halloween costumes, finger painting, or making finger puppets with your kids.  Take some time to spend quality time with your kids and make lifelong memories.  Making these meaningful connections will have lasting impacts on them as they grow into kind and loving adults in the future.

Ways to Take Better Care of Yourself

Practicing self-care is not always easy, and I understand. Most of us have busy, demanding, and stressful jobs. We have numerous responsibilities at home that leave us exhausted at the end of the day to even think of ourselves. Or we put others before ourselves. All this usually leaves me-time last and unchecked on our agenda. And in some cases, we even feel guilty about taking the time required to take care of ourselves. That being said, we must recognize the need for self-care (use this self-reflection to recognize where specifically you are lacking self-care). Implementing the following strategies into your regular routine will boost your well-being not only today but forever.

To best explain self-care strategies to my clients, over the years I have created a self-care triangle. Triangles represent stability, balance, enlightenment, and the union of the mind, body, and heart. Sounds awesome already!

Each corner represents a different aspect you must focus on (all part of your “me-time”), each as important as the other, and without one the triangle is left incomplete, meaning your care is left incomplete.

Move

Physical activity stimulates your brain, boosting your positive emotions and reducing your stress and anxiety. Leaving you feeling more energetic, happier, and relaxed. To name a few activities: yoga, walking, jogging, running, cycling, weightlifting, following a workout routine, and swimming. The exercise you choose depends fully on you, listen to your body, do what seems fun and change it up. Maybe sometimes you want to exercise outside, with a friend, in the morning, before bed, following an instructor, listening to music or in quiet.

Rest

Learn to say enough to your work and responsibilities so you can devote 7-8 hours of your night to sleep. But more importantly, this is not just 8 hours of laying in bed, rather good quality of sleep. In order to get good quality sleep, make it your priority, follow a consistent sleep routine, avoid media and devices at least one hour before bedtime, try to resolve conflict and stress before your sleep hours, and create a cozy and relaxing ritual that you can look forward to. Along with dedicated sleep hours, allow yourself to take breaks throughout the day when required. Listen to your mind and body and give it what it needs.

Feed

Remember your food is your fuel. If you want to have energy, feel good, and have an optimistic look at life, good nutrition is key. Try to pack your meals with all the vitamins, minerals and nutrients required but also have fun with your meals. You can try cooking with your family, learning new recipes, and making your dishes colorful. To learn more about nutrition, visit this website.

In the lines that lead to those specified “me-times” practice the following strategies throughout your day, to check-in, reflect, be mindful and rejuvenate:

  • Learn to say “no”. While you may feel obligated to say yes to your loved ones or coworkers, you must also conserve your energy and time for self-care, or else it can lead to irritability and burnout.
  • Get a journal and dedicate it to your emotions and feelings.
    • Make lists and write down what is bothering you. And then analyze each item and reflect on what is in your control, act on things that are in your control, and let go of things that are not.
    • Make a list of things you are grateful for.
    • Write down all your goals and things you wish for.
  • Take deep breaths. Close your eyes, breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Try to notice the sensation of the air flowing in and out.
  • Even better, use the 3-step coping strategy: take a few deep breaths, drink water, go to the washroom.
  • Meditate
  • Stay in the present
  • Listen to your heart and abide by its needs.
I really hope that you find these strategies useful. Remember that your awesome, you have needs and you are important, so take care of yourself! 
If you have any questions or would like more personalized strategies and help, feel free to contact us. 

4 Steps to Strong Communication

Steps to Strong Communication for

A Strong Relationship

 

  1. Tone speaks more than words!

Imagine getting your favorite flavored cake, but the icing was just disturbingly unappealing, you wouldn’t even want to cut into the cake and try it? Right? So even though we should all live by that quote “never judge a book by its cover”, it’s quite difficult to decipher words from the tone they are wrapped up in. Because tone is the sound of our emotions.

But while it seems simple to be able to control our tone, it takes a lot of conscious efforts as the tone of voice often conveys more accurately what we are feeling and what is on our mind, than our actual words do. In other words, our tone tells the truth even when our words do not, even when we are unaware of that truth ourselves. Unfortunately, the tone is what others respond to first. Reflect: Have you ever said “I love you” in a frustrated manner that provokes bitterness and then innocently wonder why you are being repelled and unfairly attacked by the person to whom you’ve said it too. quite rightly responds to our tone rather than our words. And this happens often and is seriously damaging your relationships. Therefore, while we speak, it is incredibly important to listen to our voice, so that we are able to monitor our tone and adjust it to get our point across. Also, be authentic with your words, so if you are mad, use your words to convey that message, rather than saying nice things while your tone tries to push out your real emotions.

  1. Your choice of words can make all the difference!

Small adjustments in your choice of words from negative to positive can make all the difference in the response you are likely to get.

Consider this: You work hard to cook a meal, but you added a bit less salt, making the dish slightly bland. What response would you prefer?

“Eeewww, that is disgusting!”

Or

“Thanks for your hard work in preparing this dish, but I feel if you added more salt it would have tasted better”

You probably prefer the second phrase, right? Now, what is the difference? The difference is in the words!

  1. Pay attention to body language, it makes a point…

Body language is the use of physical behavior, expressions, and mannerisms to communicate nonverbally, often done instinctively rather than consciously. The way you sit, the way you tilt your head, and the way you fold your arms all communicate strong messages. They can either put people at ease, build trust, display love, and draw others towards you, or they can attack, offend, confuse, and undermine the message you are trying to convey. For example, if you are trying to make someone feel better, rather than have your arms crossed and sitting at the other corner of the room, you may want to hold their hand, look them in the eye and tilt your head to show feelings of compassion and care.

  1. Stop the words and bring out the ears…

Apart from the way listening makes the other person feel, it is as pertinent for you in understanding their part of the conversation. Effective listening can mitigate misunderstandings and confusion. Remember that listening is not the same as hearing. Hearing just refers to the sound entering your ears, so just the physical process that happens automatically. But listening is more than that, it calls for both focus and effort. Listening is indeed paying attention to what is being said, but also the way it is being said. Going back to the tone of voice, vocabulary, and body language discussed above, while you listen you must pay attention to these 3 things and analyze the underlying meaning. For example, by analyzing one’s body language you can pick up on negative cues that they may be hiding or may even be unaware of while they speak. These negative cues can include crossed arms, poor eye contact, tense facial expressions, and a body turned away from you. Also as mentioned above, our tone of voice conveys what we are actually feeling, and so Being able to demonstrate that you have picked up on these cues and then reciprocate them with appropriate gestures, the other person truly feels that you are indeed listening, quite intuitively strengthening your relationship.

9 Practical Steps To Think Positively

You want to be positive; I want you to be positive, the world NEEDS you to be positive! It is not as simple as just “Try to look for the goods in each situation”, BUT it IS possible. With conscious efforts on your thoughts, words, and actions you CAN change your mindset.

Here are 9 practical steps to think positive thoughts.

 

  1. Look at situations from different angles

Solely having a one-dimensional perspective of the world around us can give us a false sense of priorities and self-pride. Looking at situations from different perspectives allows us to see the whole picture, enables us to understand others’ points of view, and be more compassionate. This shift in lens helps us gain deeper insights and deeper happiness.

 

  1. Be grateful

By practicing gratitude and reminding ourselves of things to be thankful for we are continuously reflecting upon the blessings in our life, so even when we are dealing with tough situations and bad days, we are reminded of the great things.

 

  1. Find solutions rather than whine about the problems

Remember that we are in control of the choices we make, even in the worst of situations: we can be stressed out and constantly worrying, or we can assess the situation and determine a plan of action.

 

  1. Choose positive words over negative words

The power of words is that they have the power to heal, to hurt, to help, to hinder, to harm, or to humble. The change and emotion we want to manifest lies in the words we choose to use. So, putting in the effort of switching out more positive words for negative ones can surely uplift our mood and help us create more positive perceptions.

 

  1. Notice the positive characteristics in others

Due to the brain’s “negativity bias” we are more likely to notice the bad attributes of others, so the parts that annoy, worry, and hurt us. But finding and complimenting the positives of other people indeed helps others feel happier, but also helps us be happier, confident, and re-wires our mind to constantly look for the positives.

 

  1. Write down negative thoughts

A huge part of instilling a positive mindset involves facing the negative thoughts and not just ignoring them with a smile on our face. Writing down our negative thoughts is a tangible way of answering our negative thoughts and getting rid of them through a practical and cathartic approach.

 

  1. Be kind

We often get so absorbed in the miseries and mistreatments of our own lives that we forget to take the time to look around us. It’s important that we spend a little time brightening someone’s day, beginning the ripple of kindness and positivity in the world that we sometimes are unable to see and feel. Be the one to begin that change. Even a small act of kinds can create a chain of positivity, for us and the receiver.

 

  1. Savor the moments and feel life.

Feel the air go into your lungs as you breathe, feel your muscles engage as you use them, feel the ground as you step, hear the birds sing, feel the rain drops fall on your face, and watch the people laugh around you. When we are so aware and present with the world around us, we are noticing and appreciating the beauty around us and feel happier.

 

  1. Reflect on your good and bad days

By reflecting on our days we are able to once again appreciate all the things that went well, and allows us to check in with ourselves and monitor how positive and optimistic we were when the hurdles came up.

Hope this list was helpful! For more information feel free to contact us!

Yelling and Beating Children, Psychologically Damages Them

Is it Okay to Scare Your Kids?

On Halloween with a paper ghost? SURE!
Through beating, yelling and name-calling? NO!

It is quite obvious that no the parent actually wants to hit or yell at their child, but when they are swarmed into a cloud of frustration, parents just feel the immense need to resort to such harsh techniques in order to discipline their child and receive respect.

As much as you may believe that yelling is necessary and is the only way to make your child behave and get some respect, the psychological effects make it ineffective and actually detrimental. In fact, new research even found that yelling at kids can be just as harmful as hitting them. You probably have many excuses racing through your mind right now, so follow this link and clear them up.

The adverse effects of using cruel and harsh methods of discipline:

  1. It is a sad cycle

In most cases, parents feel forced to use yelling and beating out of desperation, especially when their other methods of reasoning seem to fail. This soon becomes a habit as it seems the “fastest” and most “successful” technique to discipline their child, making this their reflex every time their child misbehaves. I will go more in-depth later, but the unfortunate part that parents don’t realise is that children who are yelled at, end up displaying more troubling behaviour. Once again making the parents yell and shout even more…and the cycle just continues.

  1. Kids are copycats!

You must remember that as a parent, you are the primary role model for your child. They learn to walk, talk, eat and even play from you. So, you really should not underestimate the power you have over what your child learns, to be “acceptable behaviour”. You have probably already alluded to what the point is by now. When the parent chooses to discipline their child by hitting or yelling, they inherently model that those acts are allowed and acceptable. When you beat your child for small mistakes your child may feel that it is “okay” to hit people. This will also lead them to lack empathy and compassion.

  1. What are you really training them?

Normally when parents scold, yell or hit their children it is done with the intention to foster good values, manners, and discipline into their child, but unfortunately, you are sowing the seeds of anger.

When you hit or yell at your child frequently, the child will be scared once or twice, but after one point, he may become a rebel. Hitting will not even seem like a horrible thing to the child anymore that the child may even defy your commands and just go about and do the opposite of what you wish. Also leading to stubborn, careless, and narcissistic behaviour.

  1. It just does not work!

Yelling at your child or hitting them may seem like it works like magic but scaring them at the moment only makes them stop what they’re doing but it can only work so many times, till the point where the child doesn’t even bat an eye when you scream at them or lift your hand to hit them. When parents yell at children they create fear, which prevents kids from learning from the situation or recognizing what they have actually done wrong and that their parents are just trying to help them. “Kids are actually going to listen less when you yell at them,” says Joseph Shrand, Ph.D., instructor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. “As soon as you begin to raise your voice, you activate their limbic system, which is an ancient part of the brain that’s responsible for, among other things, the fight-or-flight response.” This means that in the result of your yelling, the child may either freeze up, fight back or run away.

  1. The hurt sticks with them

Children who are yelled at or spanked by their parents, do not forget that they were beaten by their parents for no important reason. Children who are constantly yelled at or are hit for small mistakes are more likely to suffer mental health problems, such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and substance abuse problems.

  1. It is scary!

For a young child, the parents hold a lot of power, they are the people that give them food, water, toys, love, and a place to live. They feel safe around you and trust you, but this all gets shaken up when that same person yells at them and shouts. It really messes up their sense of trust. Hence, difficulty making and maintaining strong relationships in the future. Its also important to acknowledge that to a young child, the parent is a being that is twice as large, literally a giant for them! So just imagine what they see from their perspective when you yell at them or hit them!

Conclusion:

Do understand from this that constantly yelling and hitting your child each time they make a mistake will do more harm than good. From the perspective of disciplining your child, it is just not productive. But I will indeed give importance to the fact that there are instances when yelling and interfering is necessary for literally the sake of your child or another person getting hurt. If you have kids hitting each other or your kid is running into a pole, then yes yell to warn. But remember that yelling is not communicating, so for everyday mistakes and discipline, speak to explain.

So how do you communicate?

  1. Get down to your child’s level
  2. Make proper eye contact
  3. Be calm and patient
  4. Address the problem
  5. Acknowledge their prior efforts
  6. Explain to them why their action was wrong
  7. Explain to them the long-term consequences
  8. Teach them how they can fix the problem and go about it next time
  9. Ask them why they are having difficulty with this
  10. Ask them what punishments they should have when they make the mistake again
  11. Constantly remind them positively

 

For example: If your child brushes his teeth and makes a huge mess all over the bathroom counter rather than yelling at them, calling them names, or hitting them, there are alternatives. Firstly, calm yourself down, you must remember that they are a child with teeny tinny hands and are so naïve that they do not even realise what they did wrong. Keep that in mind, explain to your child what they have done and its consequences. To remind them to clean up and teach them the efforts that go into cleaning, make them do it themselves. Keep calling them back, till they learn to leave the bathroom spotless. Take away one of their luxuries OR come up with rewards for when they do behave properly.

 

Hope this was informative!
For any questions or comments feel free to contact us. 

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